i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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