I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
