he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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