dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
