So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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