he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
