I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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