now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
