you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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