u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
