im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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