get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
