if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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