i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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