Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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