You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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