Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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