some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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