Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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