So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
