I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
