I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
