I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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