i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
