beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
