I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
