ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
