dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
