her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
