Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have fence marks all over my body
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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