I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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