Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
