Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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