is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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