Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
