I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
