Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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