She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
