Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
