I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
