I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
