at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
