She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
