Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
