i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
