nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
