Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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