After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
