i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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