I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
