when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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